[There are so many questions that crop out of that, Nanami doesn't know where to begin.
But the truth sways over her like the ax waiting to fall, and she's numbly aware of the way it hangs over her. The self-condemnation she feels is probably worse than whatever anyone else could ever throw at her.
But she swallows, manages the briefest of smiles.] Hinata-kun... You're really, really kind.
[The smile fades, then.] We were supposed to watch all of you in the program that was supposed to "fix" you... But fix what? Why was it even necessary?
[Nanami laughs, weakly and without humor.] I guess it doesn't even matter in the end, though. Her, me... We couldn't protect everyone in the end. ["We", because she won't let the other Nanami bear the burden alone. Whichever one of them was responsible, it would be wrong to let her carry that alone.] Now... Now what Komaeda-kun said makes sense. That's why I couldn't be there for him in the end. [She smiles, no longer sniffling as the tears roll down her face. More of the pieces slot into place. The puzzle is incomplete, but the center has finally come together.] It's me. I'm the one who killed him. And you had to pick me so that everyone else would be okay.
I don't know. We're all missing our school memories. [His head hurts. If he could reach inside and rip out the details...he has a feeling he would see terrible things. He stares at his shoes as thoughts rage back and forth, like soldiers fighting a war.]
You....you have it wrong. [He raises his head, his eyes a bit too bright. He blinks a few times to clear them. Is he really that kind to expose her to the truth they all know? How is it kind to let her know how little she had known about him?]
She did protect us. Komaeda set up his own murder and she had me prove it was her to save all of us. [He knows he is stalling. The important things wait as the past reaches towards the present with icy fingers.]
...we had to be fixed, Nanami. Whatever happened to you...the rest of us became...other things. [He stares down at the floor to avoid her gaze again. His reflection is mostly in shadow or that's what it feels like.] It's my suspicion you were the last person to see Hinata Hajime.
Before I became someone else.
[He doesn't want to see her face. Not right now. He just feels cold and empty in a way that's hauntingly familiar. All he ever wanted was to be proud of himself. Now he can't even hold his head up to face a friend.]
[There's something missing here. Not quite slotted into place. Is he holding things back for her sake.] But... Are Nanami-san and I really so different? If she died, doesn't that mean I'll die too?
Unless we're... we're really that different. [Her hands tighten on the fabric of her skirt.] If something changed everyone, in a way they needed to be fixed afterwards... Maybe I couldn't protect everyone after all.
[She bites her lip against the litany of apologies that tries to flow through her head. If she hadn't let everyone down, then maybe...
No. There's still things left to unravel here, and if she really did let everyone down, it's up to her to figure out what she can.
And... Not just for her classmates. Hinata, too. That day... If she had stopped him that day, would he have not needed to get "fixed"?]
I don't know what happened to you after I saw you. I... There's something I should've said, maybe, that I didn't. I... should have. And I'm really sorry. [She blinks fast, eyes stinging and chest tight.]
But... Hinata-kun is Hinata-kun. The fact that you're here in front of me, talking to me... That means whatever needed to be fixed, the program must have worked, right? [It trembles, but she manages a small smile.] I'm... I'm really grateful Nanami-san was there to help you.
[The smile drops, though. He still... hasn't lifted his head. Her hand moves without any thought and-
She only barely brushes against the skin of his jaw, but Nanami snatches her hand back with a gasp, clutching it tight to her chest like it's been burned. That was-] I-I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have done that...
[Regret and guilt slosh together in her stomach. She shouldn't have done it.]
B-but... Hinata-kun... You're my friend, right? Or at least, I was friends with the Hinata Hajime-kun who changed... So please... Please look at me. Please don't bow your head in front of me.
[He stares at her unable to look away from her hand. His jaw feels like it's on fire.] ...Nanami.
[Hiw can he word this? She is trying to take all the blame for what they became. He can't allow that. He covers his face with a hand for a long moment and just breathes.]
It's not about who is to blame. In a way we all were. We all made choices that led to...becoming what we did. I made mine. You weren't responsible for me accepting and becoming,
[He swallows. His chest feels tight and his eyes sting. This is what he wanted, the right to tell her everything himself. His breath leaves him in a rush but the words still don't come out. Hinata looks away right into his reflection. Ashamed of himself he finally meets her eyes again. Forcing himself to keep his head up.]
Hope peak's labrat to make the perfectly talented being. I let them destroy me to give rise to Him. I don't know what happened after that. To even load me into the program they had to reconstruct my personality and memories from within him. I'm to blame for that.
We needed fixed because we became Ultimate Despair. I don't know the details. I just know when Komaeda found out what we were he decided to wipe us all out. He intended only her to live. It's...you two are different. But you're still alike. You're both still my friends.
It doesn't have to deal with who failed to protect anyone. It's about accepting what we did and moving forward. All of us.
[She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment. There's warmth from him calling her his friend, like sinking into a warm bath, but that pain is still present in her chest.] You're right. I know you are, it's just... I promised Sensei to watch over everyone, and then-
[Nanami breaks herself off, opening her eyes and blinking rapidly. It isn't right for her to tell that to Hinata and not be able to do the same as what she asked. Even if her face feels a little warm when she sees where his eyes are directed.]
Moving on, though... That's something we can aim for, I think. We're here now. And I'm- I'm sad about what's happened to you and me to everyone, I don't even know if sad is the right word for it but- [Realizes she's talking too fast. Takes a breath through the tightness of her throat, and tries again.] But we're here now. And even if I'm sad, I'm so happy we're here together. We can try again here, for as long as we have.
[It still hurts. She thinks about what they must have done to Hinata while she'd probably had no clue and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts-
She breathes again, once more. But now...] You're here now. Like you said, we don't have to blame ourselves for whatever happened. Even if some scary things are happening here, we can protect each other. We can be safe. [Again she grabs the traitorous hand from before with the other, before it can make another bad life decision and try to reach for him.] I know we can. Even if I can't do much... I'll do whatever I can to protect everyone, to make it safe for everyone here. I'll... do better by everyone this time.
[Almost word for word what she had said to Komaeda, but for some reason it... It hasn't stopped hurting, but there's something like hope mixed in now where there hadn't been before.]
[It hits him all at once that she doesn't understand. She accepts them but she doesn't truly understand. In a way he's glad. The innocence she still has is something precious that he wants to keep safe. But it won't be. Not with them.
They are to blame for the state of their world. She's trying to protect them but, what about herself. He steps closer, slowly step by step until their height difference is all too clear.] Nanami.
[His voice breaks the quiet, soft and steady. All too close to the tone he'd used in the boat when he was someone else.]
You need to remember to protect yourself too. We can all find some way to make things work out. But we have to do that together, watching each other's backs. You didn't fail.
We did. But that's something we have to deal with ourselves. ...that means right now, asking me whatever you want to ask.
[Protect... herself? The thought is almost... foreign. She's spent so much time worrying about everyone else, she's barely given herself a thought. She hadn't really cared, as long as she could keep everyone happy and as together as she could... But...
It feels like she failed. Not blaming herself is so hard... Especially when everyone she cared about had gotten hurt in the end.
...Maybe this is the start, though. Maybe from this, she can learn.
She tilts her head up to look at him. He's so tall. It's one of the first things she ever noticed about him, and for some reason, rather than intimidating it has always been... comforting.]
Tell me what the simulation was like. The good things and the bad things. About... everyone else who died in the program, but also about the time you shared with them. [The corner of her mouth tugs up, like it wants to smile.] Especially about Nanami-san.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Backdated to 3/10; Action cw: dr2 spoilers, suicide discussion
Date: 2017-03-25 08:43 am (UTC)But the truth sways over her like the ax waiting to fall, and she's numbly aware of the way it hangs over her. The self-condemnation she feels is probably worse than whatever anyone else could ever throw at her.
But she swallows, manages the briefest of smiles.] Hinata-kun... You're really, really kind.
[The smile fades, then.] We were supposed to watch all of you in the program that was supposed to "fix" you... But fix what? Why was it even necessary?
[Nanami laughs, weakly and without humor.] I guess it doesn't even matter in the end, though. Her, me... We couldn't protect everyone in the end. ["We", because she won't let the other Nanami bear the burden alone. Whichever one of them was responsible, it would be wrong to let her carry that alone.] Now... Now what Komaeda-kun said makes sense. That's why I couldn't be there for him in the end. [She smiles, no longer sniffling as the tears roll down her face. More of the pieces slot into place. The puzzle is incomplete, but the center has finally come together.] It's me. I'm the one who killed him. And you had to pick me so that everyone else would be okay.
[The ax falls.]
Hinata-kun, did I... die?
Backdated to 3/10; Action cw: dr2 spoilers, suicide discussion
Date: 2017-03-25 03:11 pm (UTC)You....you have it wrong. [He raises his head, his eyes a bit too bright. He blinks a few times to clear them. Is he really that kind to expose her to the truth they all know? How is it kind to let her know how little she had known about him?]
She did protect us. Komaeda set up his own murder and she had me prove it was her to save all of us. [He knows he is stalling. The important things wait as the past reaches towards the present with icy fingers.]
...we had to be fixed, Nanami. Whatever happened to you...the rest of us became...other things. [He stares down at the floor to avoid her gaze again. His reflection is mostly in shadow or that's what it feels like.] It's my suspicion you were the last person to see Hinata Hajime.
Before I became someone else.
[He doesn't want to see her face. Not right now. He just feels cold and empty in a way that's hauntingly familiar. All he ever wanted was to be proud of himself. Now he can't even hold his head up to face a friend.]
Backdated to 3/10; Action cw: dr2 spoilers, suicide discussion
Date: 2017-04-05 06:53 am (UTC)Unless we're... we're really that different. [Her hands tighten on the fabric of her skirt.] If something changed everyone, in a way they needed to be fixed afterwards... Maybe I couldn't protect everyone after all.
[She bites her lip against the litany of apologies that tries to flow through her head. If she hadn't let everyone down, then maybe...
No. There's still things left to unravel here, and if she really did let everyone down, it's up to her to figure out what she can.
And... Not just for her classmates. Hinata, too. That day... If she had stopped him that day, would he have not needed to get "fixed"?]
I don't know what happened to you after I saw you. I... There's something I should've said, maybe, that I didn't. I... should have. And I'm really sorry. [She blinks fast, eyes stinging and chest tight.]
But... Hinata-kun is Hinata-kun. The fact that you're here in front of me, talking to me... That means whatever needed to be fixed, the program must have worked, right? [It trembles, but she manages a small smile.] I'm... I'm really grateful Nanami-san was there to help you.
[The smile drops, though. He still... hasn't lifted his head. Her hand moves without any thought and-
She only barely brushes against the skin of his jaw, but Nanami snatches her hand back with a gasp, clutching it tight to her chest like it's been burned. That was-] I-I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have done that...
[Regret and guilt slosh together in her stomach. She shouldn't have done it.]
B-but... Hinata-kun... You're my friend, right? Or at least, I was friends with the Hinata Hajime-kun who changed... So please... Please look at me. Please don't bow your head in front of me.
Backdated to 3/10; Action cw: dr2 spoilers, suicide discussion
Date: 2017-04-05 07:24 am (UTC)[Hiw can he word this? She is trying to take all the blame for what they became. He can't allow that. He covers his face with a hand for a long moment and just breathes.]
It's not about who is to blame. In a way we all were. We all made choices that led to...becoming what we did. I made mine. You weren't responsible for me accepting and becoming,
[He swallows. His chest feels tight and his eyes sting. This is what he wanted, the right to tell her everything himself. His breath leaves him in a rush but the words still don't come out. Hinata looks away right into his reflection. Ashamed of himself he finally meets her eyes again. Forcing himself to keep his head up.]
Hope peak's labrat to make the perfectly talented being. I let them destroy me to give rise to Him. I don't know what happened after that. To even load me into the program they had to reconstruct my personality and memories from within him. I'm to blame for that.
We needed fixed because we became Ultimate Despair. I don't know the details. I just know when Komaeda found out what we were he decided to wipe us all out. He intended only her to live. It's...you two are different. But you're still alike. You're both still my friends.
It doesn't have to deal with who failed to protect anyone. It's about accepting what we did and moving forward. All of us.
Backdated to 3/10; Action cw: dr2 spoilers, suicide discussion
Date: 2017-04-05 08:23 am (UTC)[Nanami breaks herself off, opening her eyes and blinking rapidly. It isn't right for her to tell that to Hinata and not be able to do the same as what she asked. Even if her face feels a little warm when she sees where his eyes are directed.]
Moving on, though... That's something we can aim for, I think. We're here now. And I'm- I'm sad about what's happened to you and me to everyone, I don't even know if sad is the right word for it but- [Realizes she's talking too fast. Takes a breath through the tightness of her throat, and tries again.] But we're here now. And even if I'm sad, I'm so happy we're here together. We can try again here, for as long as we have.
[It still hurts. She thinks about what they must have done to Hinata while she'd probably had no clue and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts-
She breathes again, once more. But now...] You're here now. Like you said, we don't have to blame ourselves for whatever happened. Even if some scary things are happening here, we can protect each other. We can be safe. [Again she grabs the traitorous hand from before with the other, before it can make another bad life decision and try to reach for him.] I know we can. Even if I can't do much... I'll do whatever I can to protect everyone, to make it safe for everyone here. I'll... do better by everyone this time.
[Almost word for word what she had said to Komaeda, but for some reason it... It hasn't stopped hurting, but there's something like hope mixed in now where there hadn't been before.]
Backdated to 3/10; Action cw: dr2 spoilers, suicide discussion
Date: 2017-04-06 02:37 am (UTC)They are to blame for the state of their world. She's trying to protect them but, what about herself. He steps closer, slowly step by step until their height difference is all too clear.] Nanami.
[His voice breaks the quiet, soft and steady. All too close to the tone he'd used in the boat when he was someone else.]
You need to remember to protect yourself too. We can all find some way to make things work out. But we have to do that together, watching each other's backs. You didn't fail.
We did. But that's something we have to deal with ourselves. ...that means right now, asking me whatever you want to ask.
I'll tell you everything I know and remember.
Backdated to 3/10; Action cw: dr2 spoilers, suicide discussion
Date: 2017-04-08 05:14 am (UTC)It feels like she failed. Not blaming herself is so hard... Especially when everyone she cared about had gotten hurt in the end.
...Maybe this is the start, though. Maybe from this, she can learn.
She tilts her head up to look at him. He's so tall. It's one of the first things she ever noticed about him, and for some reason, rather than intimidating it has always been... comforting.]
Tell me what the simulation was like. The good things and the bad things. About... everyone else who died in the program, but also about the time you shared with them. [The corner of her mouth tugs up, like it wants to smile.] Especially about Nanami-san.